Christmas Tunes: My Naughty List

It's finally socially acceptable for me to listen to Christmas music non-stop! I mean, I may or may not have been doing it anyway since Halloween ended, but now I can do it without getting shade from random strangers! It's fairly obvious that I love Christmas and Christmas music, but there are a few Christmas songs that I'd rather swallow glass ornament shards than listen to-- these songs are totes on my Naughty List.

1. "My Grown Up Christmas List"--all artists

This song is terrible. I don't care who's singing it; when I hear it, I immediately want to gouge my eardrums out with a ballpoint pen. The musical arrangement is fine--it's the lyrics that drive me insane. Before y'all strangle me with garland, hear me out, okay? I understand the song's message: that selflessness comes with maturity and that true happiness comes not with presents received, but with gifts given. I GET IT, but this song still sucks. How pretentious can you be, person who wrote this song? How about instead of sitting on Santa's lap and singing for like 8 hours to declare your altruistic intentions you get out of the mall and ACTUALLY HELP SOMEONE? It's easy to say generic stuff like, "Oh, I just want world peace on Earth and mistletoe and holly for everyone!" Words are just words. Quit singing about your vague hopes and dreams and go volunteer at a soup kitchen or buy some presents for Toys for Tots. Also, the Natalie Cole version of this song is especially heinous. It makes me want to jump off a cliff. TERRIBLE.

2. "Christmas Shoes"--NewSong

When I hear this song start playing, I'm like, nope Nope NOPE NO WAY. This is the most depressing song EVER, except for maybe "Ode to Billie Joe," but that's not a Christmas song, so get back on track, Meg... The song is about a boy who wants to buy a pair of special shoes for his dying mother so that she'll feel and look beautiful when she meets Jesus upon her dying. Ummm... what? Sure, it's a sweet song, but NO THANK YOU.  I avoid this Lifetime movie of a song all season long. Debbie Downer ain't going to take the holly jolly out of my Christmas. You feel me?

3. "The 12 Pains of Christmas"--Bob Rivers

I'm fairly convinced that this song is the reason why suicide rates spike during the holiday season. This is THE MOST ANNOYING song in the history of humanity. The parody song was put together by a DJ for some yuletide yuks, and I HATE it. Oh, y'all--I hate it so much. The song is supposed to be funny because it recounts all the things that drive us insane throughout the holidays, but here's the deal: just listening to this mess makes me need a sedative. I have enough stress in my life this holiday season without having to spend ten minutes listening to soundbites of other people's festive failures.

4. "Good King Wenceslas"--Traditional Carol

This carol always makes me go WHUUUUT? Like, what it it even about? Wikipedia says it's about some poor peasant dude who is literally freezing to death in the snow but is inspired to carry on when he feels heat miraculously emanating from his king's footprints in the snow. HA HA HA NO-- I am serious. Nothing says "Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men" like the caste system, right? I imagine the people who wrote this back in the middle ages must have been all, "LOL POOR PEOPLE!" Worst. Carol. Ever.

5. Anything by Celine Dion

Look, I know homegirl can sing, but I'd just rather not be around when she does it.

6. "Little Saint Nick"--Sugar Ray

This belongs in the Cover Songs Hall of Shame. One: you don't cover a Beach Boys song and Two: What happened to you, Mark McGrath? You were so hot back in the '90's. I used to gawk at pics of you in my issues of CosmoGirl! and Y&M, but the last time I saw you, you were hosting like Inside Edition or some other psuedo "news" program. Yeah, you finally quit frosting your hair and all, but you looked so sad. What happened to hot Mark?

7. "The Redneck Days of Christmas"--Jeff Foxworthy

I can't stand this song, and TBH, I can't stand Jeff Foxworthy either. Sure, it's a funny song and all, but UGH. I get so tired of people assuming that all Southerners are dumb rednecks who live in trailer parks and make out with their cousins. I get Jeff's poking fun at the stereotypes, but... ugh. Did you know he has his own brand of beef jerky? Seriously. Jeff Foxworthy Jerky. Larry the Cable Guy also sells his own brand of Mac & Cheese and Hamburger Helper-eque meal-in-a-box deals that you can buy at the Dollar Tree. Oh, the irony...

8. "Christmas Through Your Eyes:--Gloria Estefan

I started to listen to this song, but I threw up in my mouth a little so maybe it's time to stop...

9. "Carol of the Bells"--Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Nothing against these talented performers, but this song seriously stresses me out. It's waaaaay too intense: one minute I am just running some holiday errands in my car, the next I feel like I am in a race against time in some crazy holiday movie and the fate of the entire world is in my hands. Like, I just want to go to Starbucks and buy a venti white mocha, so can y'all please dial it down from an 11 to a 4 or 5? Thanks!

10. "Baby It's Cold Outside"--Various Artists

Can we once and for all agree that this song is super creepy? It seems cute enough on the surface, but listen to the lyrics! It's basically a holiday episode of Law and Order: SVU. The girl's all, "Look I need to be responsible and get home at a reasonable hour as the inclement weather outside is real cause for concern," while the dude is like, "Ha ha ha, baby, I stuck something in your drink so you'll stay the night with me." Uhhh.... no. Last time I checked, that was, you know, ILLEGAL. Creepy McCreeperton. NO THANKS.

What Christmas songs are on your Naughty List? Sound off in the comments below--and happy holidays!