Don’t Waste Your Time and Money on These Pointless Baby Items

You are spending $300 or more for something your baby will do nothing but pee, poop, and snot on. This set is exceptionally beautiful, but realistically speaking, it ain't gonna happen. Give it two months and you'll wish the only thing you'd bought for the crib is a brown fitted sheet.

Not to mention that once you've brought your bundle of joy home, you'll be obsessively Googling SIDS 24/7. That sweet quilt and cushy crib liner? Suffocation hazard. Those pretty pink bows? Strangulation hazard. I was so obsessed for the  first four months of Dolly's life that I would have taken one look at this set up and screamed DEATH TRAP.

Do what I did: get a few fitted sheets and a breathable/mesh crib liner. Spent all of $40 at Tarjay. Simple, safe, and CHEAP--which is good because I'll be paying on the hospital bill for her delivery until I die or Jesus comes back.

Are you kidding me?

One: you can't even put the baby in the tub for the first month or so.

Two: You have to be kidding me.

Three: If Momma can't get a Jacuzzi, NO ONE gets a Jacuzzi.

Four: Honestly. Does your baby really need the therapeutic relief of water jets to soothe his aching joints after a tough day of play? SPOILER ALERT: NO HE DOESN'T.

Oh, and wait until your kid poops in the tub and you have to clean it out of those first class water jets.

WashPOD: The tub so pretentious it can't be referred to as a tub! I can't look at this without laughing. It's touted as a safe, small place to bathe baby that's easy for parents to use. I already have one of those: IT'S CALLED A SINK.

People have good intentions with this one, but come on.  My mom didn't use a wipes warmer with me, and I turned out fine. I think...

I get that you want to avoid having a cold wipe startle your sweetheart during a diaper change... but what happens after your baby gets used to toasty warm wipes? You'll send her to grandmas's house and she'll shriek like a banshee from the inner circle of hell then and every other time you dare use a room temperature wipe. I'll pass.

I know parents of multiples use these often, and that is perfectly fine with me. Anyone who has the courage to handle more than one newborn at a time is a candidate for sainthood and gets a free pass.

Everyone else: really? Bottle propping can cause ear or jaw problems. Your baby could easily choke when left unattended, so it's not worth the risk.  I know what it's like to be busy, and even I can make time to feed my baby a bottle. She won't be a baby forever, and one day I'll be wishing I could feed her a bottle again.

I am amazed that this even exists. It's like a K-Cup for formula. Maybe in 50 years we'll all be using these and driving to work in hovercrafts like the Jetsons, but I doubt it. Not when making a baby's bottle is as easy as 1-2-3: Pour in water; add formula; shake to mix. This seems like a total waste of money. I bet Kate Middleton already has fifty.

The going rate for these things is at least $300. It seems like a solid purchase, but it is THE BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER. You can buy a simple IP camera and set it up yourself. Will did it for us; we have a camera in the nursery and can view the camera feed 24/7 on a secure site or on apps on our phones. Total cost: SIXTY BUCKS.

If you're not fortunate enough to have an IT Wizard in your life, check out this tutorial. Save money! You need it for other things... like those hospital bills. Man, I'll never get away from them. They're like bank herpes.

Again with the uncontrollable laughter. These pretty burp cloths are $30; which means they're TEN DOLLARS EACH. You do know what burp cloths are for, right?

It's nothing more than a cloth to wipe up your baby's spit-up and vomit. You are paying ten dollars for a rag that will be used for nothing else than soaking up puke. REALLY.

Just buy the cheap ones. I promise, no one will judge you for it. Except for Kate Middleton. I bet all her burp cloths are made from spun artisan gold.

No. Nope. No way. Never again. I hate this thing. I straight-up always and forever and ever amen HATE IT.

I bought one for Dodo thinking it might be good for the times I needed to feed her baby food when we were out and about. I bought it expecting a simple feeding solution, and what I got was a total waste. I needed bodybuilder roid rage strength to squeeze the food into the spoon. When it finally squeezed out, it was in sporadic spurts. It was a total failure. And a mess.

Did I mention I hate this thing? Because I do.

We're nowhere near the potty training stage yet, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that I will never purchase one of these or accept one as a gift. If I am going to drop four hundred bucks on an iPad, the last thing in the world I want to do is let my child rub her germy, e-coli poop fingers on its screen. I would say Kate Middleton already has seven for The Royal Fetus, but we all know that once that kid is old enough to go #2 he'll have a pack of court jesters to entertain him whilst he resides on the porcelain throne. Seriously though, don't buy this. For humanity's sake. Please.