30 Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear

I'm a few months away from being 34. Although I am tempted to lie and say I am still 29, it's really not that big of a deal. I do, however, need to lay down some rules when it comes to mid-thirties fashion. Y'all ready for this?

Here's a list of the 30 things women over 30 should never wear:

1. Crocs
2. Robes cursed by angry wizards
3. Raccoon caps (doubly true if the raccoon is still alive)
4. Trash bags
5. Anything with flu germs on it
6. Disappointment over a man's opinion
7. Licorice as jewelry
8. A necklace fashioned from the tape part of a VHS (although on the second thought, that sounds kinda cool)
9. Wasabi as eyeshadow
10. Sunscreen with an SPF of less than 30
11. A hat fashioned from pot roast scraps
12. Glass slippers (highly impractical)
13. Dead goldfish earrings
14. Someone else's dirty underwear
15. Underwire bras with broken wires (it feels like you're being constantly stabbed and it is TORTURE)
16. Poison Ivy flower crowns
17. Heavy coats in deserts
18. Papercuts
19. Whipped cream bikinis (I don't care what you saw on Varsity Blues; it's really uncomfortable)
20. Saran Wrap face masks
21. A Halloween costume to a funeral (unless it's a clown funeral, in which case all bets are off)
22. Haunted dolls in Baby Bjorns
23. The blood of your enemies (still technically illegal)
24. All black when using chlorine bleach
25. A scarlet "A" in divorce court (nevermind; that would be hilarious)
26. Honey-smeared skin before walking over a fire ant hill
27. Bees
28. Mom jeans-- j/k they are hella comfortable
29. Literal bear claws
30. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable

I say: you do you. Let the haters hate!