Spring is almost here, and that means one thing: every morning, I am greeted by a cacophony of bird songs. A normal, well-adjusted person might find this pleasing, but as I am neither of these things, I cannot STAND birds.

Does that make me crazy? I would say yes, but birds are jerks. This is a fact.

One: Birds are loud as hell. I can't tell you how many perfectly good Saturday morning sleep-ins were ruined by some jerk bird deciding to sing at an ungodly volume. Like, look chickadee, I am NOT a Disney princess. I don't need you to wake me up. That's what my alarm is for--and by the way, that alarm was set for 11 a.m. and it's currently 7 a.m. so kindly SHUT UP.

Two: Birds defecate over everything all the time. There is some weird berry tree outside of our station offices, and you CANNOT park underneath this tree unless you want your car to literally be covered in berry-tinged feces. It's the WORST. Look, I am a lazy person, and washing my car takes tremendous effort, so imagine my deep, seething anger to see my perfectly clean car now ruined with bird crap.

Three: Birds have no chill. You know why they're singing all the time? They're trying to mate. What would you think if you were at a bar and just heard some dude yell ANYONE WANNA HOOK UP TONIGHT? ANYONE WANNA HOOK UP TONIGHT? ANYONE WANNA HOOK UP TONIGHT? over and over and over again? You'd think this dude was a perv--but when birds do it, people think it's charming.

Whatever, birds. I see you. You bunch of JERKS.

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