8 Things Every Tuscaloosa Girl Knows

Tuscaloosa girls are the best. This is a fact. What makes Druid City dames the greatest? We know what's up! Check out our list of the 8 things every Tuscaloosa girl knows.

1. Tailgating is serious business. You don't just roll up to the tailgate in glorified pajama pants. I know girls who plan their tailgate look for weeks. No one is saying you have to wear dresses and pearls... but I am saying: don't be surprised when you see a ton of other ladies are.
2. Your life expectancy has been reduced by at least a year. Why, you ask-- stress from roadwork. I read somewhere that being stressed out constantly takes years off your life, and it's impossible to be chill when there is roadwork literally EVERYWHERE in this city, so.... yeah.
3. Never date a dude who tweets at recruits. You don't need that kind of Gumpin' in your life.
4. Speaking of dudes, there are only two men with whom you'd trust your life: your dad and James Spann. Facts are facts.
5. Calories don't count when you are at DePalma's. It's just science, so go ahead and get the balsamic pork loin AND the bread pudding.
6. It's impossible to look flawless in the summer. I know y'all want to look fly year-round, but sweetie, it ain't happenin. Not now. It's like 823568365863 degrees outside, so just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to literally be a hot mess. Don't get all twisted about it thought, as the dudes here dig it. It's like those cheesy memes your nana posts to Facebook say: southern girls don't sweat, they glisten.
7. You will need at least one excessively large hairbow. You or someone you know will have a daughter at some point, and it is an unspoken rule here that all females under the age of 10 require bows that look like a castoff Lady Gaga prop.
8. Any man who won't let you talk football with him is not worth your time. Every Tuscaloosa girl knows this. I will never abide a man who assumes that my being a woman somehow renders me incapable of understanding the mechanics of the shotgun formation. It's 2018, bro. Women can watch sports now. Bite me.
9. There are only two kinds of tea: sweet and trash. Look, I realize that hot tea is great and I feel you and respect that... but if you don't love sweet tea, I don't know how to help you.